Don't Be Yourself

Be yourself.

That's one of those things that people say when they want to sound wise without really thinking or drawing on experience. It speaks of honesty and wholesome integrity. Faced with any of life's problems, the answer can always be provided by a well-meaning parent or friend. Just be yourself.

I've been thinking alot about that lately, and I've come to the conclusion that, by and large, this little chestnut is just plain bad advice. It seems to me that being yourself is only called for if you're a genuinely fine person through and through. Now, I have met such people, so I know they exist, but in my experience they are rare. So for those of you genuinely wonderful folk, free of guile, and dishonesty, who never speak a word in anger, never find yourselves jealous or mean-spirited, go to it. Be yourselves.

The rest of us -- and that's most of us -- have a harder road ahead. Take me, for instance. Now I am a modestly decent person. I'm not a criminal; I have a pretty good sense of humour; I like music and animals and sunsets; and I like to think I have dedicated my life to a profession that, in its own way, makes a positive difference in the world. But left to my own devices, I am, by nature, oftentimes cynical and sometimes downright cold. I wish I wasn't. I wish I was a veritable fountain of light shining in the darkness twenty-four hours a day.

But I'm not. And so I work at being a little better than I otherwise would be if I wasn't trying. A little kinder, a little more understanding, a little friendlier. I look people in the eye more than I otherwise would, and I make a point of chatting even when I'm not in the mood. In other words, I try to be better than myself. Frankly, I wish more people would adopt this philosophy. It might be a little easier for me to be better than myself if so many others were a little less satisfied with who they are.

Ah, but there I go again. So I take a deep breath and find compassion and good humour. There we are. Now, I want to stress that I don't think there is anything wrong with not being entirely yourself. I think it's part of being a civilized person. Part of being an adult. So to those handful of supernaturally nice people I know -- Tammy, Linda, Sam, Richard -- you guys are great and, frankly, I don't know how you do it. But I'm not you. I'm me.

But I'm trying not to be.

What Am I? Glad you Asked.

Every once in a while someone asks me about my religious beliefs, and I always almost feel uncomfortable. Sometimes it's because the askers are children and I worry that their parents will be upset in that what-are-you-telling-my-kids-THAT-for sort of way. Other times it's a student of mine who clearly has strong religious convictions, and then I worry that the student will somehow feel threatened in a way that has really nothing to do with the subject at hand. And then of course there's always the nightmare scenario which involves someone shouting about how professors should just stick to their subjects and not try to convert students to their twisted ways of thinking.

But lately I've been coming to the conclusion that there's no harm in speaking my mind respectfully in these matters. So, for those of you who've been wondering, here is the conversation that I hope to have in the future when a well-meaning and curious person asks.

WMCP: So, what religion are you?

ME: I'm an atheist.

WMCP: Really?

ME: Yes. I used to say "born again atheist" but I think that's maybe a bit flippant.

WMCP: So you don't believe in anything?

ME: Oh, I believe in a great many things. I just don't believe in a god. Or, rather, I believe there is no god.

WMCP: Who do you think made the universe?

ME: I don't think anyone made the universe.

WCMP: Then where did the universe come from?

ME: I have no idea. I don't know that it came from anywhere. Maybe it's always existed. Or it came into being spontaneously. Nobody knows and maybe we never will.

WMCP: Maybe it was God.

ME: Maybe, but I haven't seen any reason to suppose it was.

WMCP: But everything in the universe comes from somewhere, so the universe itself must have come from something, don't you think?

ME: Not at all. The qualities of a the parts of thing are not necessarily the qualites of the whole. A car tire is made of rubber, but cars are not made of rubber. And even if Something somehow caused the universe to come into being, there's no reason to imagine that Something was God in any sense that religions use the word.

WMCP: But you can't prove that God doesn't exist.

ME: No, but typically I don't expect proof for the non-existence of things. Typically I expect people to prove that something does exist. I can't prove that unicorns don't exist, but in the absence of evidence that they do exist, I feel confident that they don't.

WMCP: You're comparing God to unicorns?

ME: No offense, but in this case yes. Both are things that potentially could exist, and could be verified with evidence if they did exist, but they haven't been and so must be taken as non-existent.

WMCP: Aren't living creatures too complex and too obviously designed to have arisen by accident?

ME: No. In the final analysis, living things are not as complex as we often imagine. Just little strings of 4 bases that code for strings of amino acids called proteins. That's what's so profound about evolutionary theory. It explains how seemingly complex creatures arise from very simply processes.

WMCP: But doesn't the Bible show that Jesus was the Son of God and thus that God exists?

ME: Well, what exactly the Bible says about Jesus is fairly complex, but simply put, I don't believe everything in the Bible is reliable. I think there is good deal of wisdom in it, and that's valuable, but I think you can take the wisdom and not believe the everything.

WMCP: Some people say that Jesus was so wise, he could not have been a normal man.

ME: Maybe not normal, but there have been many extraordinary men and women who said and did remarkable things throughout history. As for Jesus, his call for peace and compassion are valuable, but I think his argument for non-violence even in self-defence is dubious. Further, I think the Christian notion of sin without action -- which Christ supported -- is a pernicious doctrine that has led to much needless suffering.

WMCP: I don't know...people have always believed in God. Most people still do. Are you saying that all those people are wrong and you're right?

ME: Yes. But that's not as egotistical as you make it sound. First of all, all those people you mention don't even agree with each other about what God or how many gods or even if there is a god in the way that you mean it. In the west, religious people often speak about "higher powers" and that sort of thing, statements that would have made them atheists by the standards of just a few hundred years ago. Besides the fact that lots of people have believed things in the past is no reason to believe them now.

WMCP: So you're against all religion then?

ME: Not at all. I think most serious religions have wisdom to offer and we would be foolish to ignore it. There is precious little wisdom in the world; I'll take it where I can find it. Whether it is a pagan like Marcus Aurelius or a Christian like C.S. Lewis or a Buddhist like Jack Kornfield. If you have someting that makes sense, I'll listen and be glad for the chance to think more clearly.

WMCP: What is the wisdom that Christianity has to offer?

ME: By their fruits you shall know them. An evil tree does not produce good fruit and a good tree does not produce evil fruit.

WMCP: You're paraphrasing, of course.

ME: Of course.

WMCP: And what happens to you after you die?

ME: Nothing. I don't believe in a soul or an afterlife.

WMCP: Doesn't that make this life meaningless?

ME: Just the opposite. It means we have to make the most of life while it lasts, because this is it. If this life is just a prelude to an infinite afterlife, well, that would make life seem meaningless to me.

WMCP: Hmmm... well, I still believe in God.

ME: I'm not trying to convince you otherwise. And I try not to be judgemental, either. Life is hard. Everybody does what they have to do to get through. If your faith helps you along the journey, I would not dare begrudge you that.

WMCP: Well, this has been a really interesting conversation.

ME: I couldn't agree more. Shall we get a muffin?

WMCP: Yes, let's. And some chocolate milk. I see the Blue Jays lost again...

Memo to...

Winning Sports Teams: if you are photographed in front of any kind of banner indicating that you have won something, there is no need for you all to put up your first fingers to indicate that you're number one.

The Bob Show: New Episode

Twelve Angry Bobs: Bob is on a jury and disagrees with the other eleven members and so must convince them that he's right.

Bear Alert

In light of recent events at CBU, I want to stress, for the record, that this blog is a personal site and not in any way affiliated with or endorsed by Cape Breton University.

Although I provide a link from my university page to this page, I have done so only so that students might, if they choose to do so, see what a professional intellectual thinks about in his spare time. Judging from past comments, a few readers have sometimes found the postings here amusing, and I will endeavour to keep it up as time permits.

Because... (revised)

Recently our university was the site of a series of classroom interruptions in which female students came, uninvited, into classes and read the following statement:

Because woman’s work is never done
and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or
repetitious and we’re the first to get fired
and what we look like is more important
than what we do and if we get raped it’s
our fault and if we get beaten we must have
provoked it and if we raise our voices we’re
nagging bitches and if we enjoy sex we’re
nymphos and if we don’t were frigid and if
we love women it’s because we can’t get a
‘real’ man and if we ask our doctor too many
questions we’re neurotic and/or pushy and
if we expect childcare we’re selfish and if we
stand up for our rights we’re aggressive and
‘unfeminine’ and if we don’t we’re typical
weak females and if we want to get married
we’re out to trap a man and if we don’t we’re
unnatural and because we still can’t get an
adequate safe contraceptive but men can walk
on the moon and if we can’t cope or don’t
want a pregnancy we’re made to feel
guilty about abortion and ... for lots and lots
of other reasons we are part of the
women’s liberation movement.

This manifesto has been around for many years and it always annoys me. Not because I am anti-feminist; just the opposite. I am pro-feminist, but statements like this, simple-minded as they are, do a grave injustice to those who really want to ameliorate the place of women in the western world.

I was going to look at this line by line, but I can only take so much at once, so let's look at just a few particularly interesting passages.

“Because woman’s work is never done,
and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or
repetitious”

Well, I suspect that most people, men and women, feel that their work is never done, is underpaid, boring and so on. Unpaid work in the house is an interesting issue, but hardly a woman's issue; studies show that men actually do as much housework as women although it is not always the same tasks (men tend to mow the lawn, shovel snow, maintain the home and so on). That women are underpaid is a serious issue but one that is far more complex than this document allows. For instance, some studies have shown that the difference in pay between men and women is largely a function of education. That is, women who are as well educated as their male counterparts get paid just as well. Aha, but then why are women not as well educated. Good question. Social prejudice? Legitimate choices on the part of women who pursue childbearing instead of education? Or is the latter another kind of systematic discrimination? These are serious questions and they are done no service by the kind of absurd over-simplification of the manifesto quoted above.

“we’re the first to get fired and what
we look like is more important
than what we do”

That men were sometimes kept on in times of financial trouble on the ground that they had families to support may have been true at one time, but such action would hardly hold up in court today. That women are principally judged by their looks may be true in a few fields of endeavour (acting, modelling), I can see no indication that it is widely the case.

“and if we get raped it’s our fault
and if we get beaten we must have
provoked it”

Sadly, it is true that there are those who may try to discount some cases of rape on the absurd grounds that the woman somehow "provoked" it -- and such dismissals are rightly criticized. But the blanket statement that implies that all rapes are blamed on the woman is a needlessly inflammatory overstatement. If this were true, rape would not even be a crime. Of course, many rape cases turn on the difficult question of consent, and to be sure, many guiltless women have had to endure humiliating questions for the sake of guilty men. But what is the alternative, the presumption of guilt in rape cases? Here again, the simplistic treatment of complex isssues is unworthy of scholars.

“and if we raise our voices we’re nagging bitches
and if we enjoy sex we’re nymphos”

I have never heard anyone define “nagging” as speaking with a raised voice. I have never heard anyone define “nympho” as a woman who enjoys sex.

“if we expect childcare we’re selfish”

Apparently the women who were reading this statement last week entirely missed the last election campaign, where every major party was promoting increased funding for childcare as a key part of their platform! Now, as to whether the public should pay for childcare is an issue for another day.

“and because we still can’t get an adequate safe
contraceptive but men can walk on the moon”

Safe contraception? When was this thing written? Probably around the time of the first moon landing. Women have come a long way since then, largely through the work of brave women who fought for them.

Those women deserve better than this.

A Little Bit Political

OK, it has been my custom not to be political in this blog, but in honour of the election campaign that begins tomorrow, I do have something to say.

Conservative politicians like to say that the government should cut taxes because Canadians know how to spend their money better than the government can. Now, that's a nice little bit of canned rhetoric, but is it really true?

I consider myself about average when it comes to money. I'm no fiscal genius, and I'm not getting rich in the markets, but I get a regular paycheque and I pay my bills on time. I don't run a balance on my credit card, and thanks to my pension plan, I have some long term savings. That said, if I got a big tax break, I'm pretty sure that money would not go into some stable mutual fund; I'm pretty sure I would buy surround-sound speakers for my living room. I know the arguments that the government should not have the CPP or should privatize it since individuals could make more money by investing those funds, but I like the idea that the government takes a bit of my money every other week and holds onto it for me. It's just a little insurance against my own natural weakness.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't mind having more money in my pocket. But if you want my vote, don't try to flatter me by pretending I'm some kind of canny, prudent financial wizard. I'm not. If you want to sell me on a tax break, tell me what kind of wide screen tv I'll be able to afford.

t.

In Praise of Junk Food

The downside of junk foods of all kinds has been widely publicized. Too many calories, too much fat, trans fats, cholesterol, acids, and then there's that matter of disappearing union activists in Columbia.

But the great virtue of junk food is rarely mentioned.

Predictability.

The great joy of junk food is that you know precisely what you're going to get. Delicious, yes, but dependably delicious. Every time. Every Big Mac, every bag of M&Ms, every can of Coke. Each one as tasty as the last.

How many other things in life are so reliable? Friends, teachers, store clerks, banks -- all can be wonderful, but all apt to let you down when you need them. The VCR fails to tape, the CD is scratched, the waiter is a moron, the authorities are small-minded, even the sun often hides behind the clouds. Unless you really need it to rain.

Yes, junk food will clog your arteries and mess up your blood sugar and make you fat. But it never promised not to. It only promised quick gustatory satisfaction. And that it does.

Every time.

Eccentric City (warning: naughty word included)

The following is a fair approximation of a recent converstation between an Air Canada flight attendant and myself.

FA: Would you like something to drink, sir?

Me: Yes, could I please have an unopened can of Coke?

FA: (puzzled) You just want me to open it?

Me: No, I want you NOT to open it.

FA: (still puzzled) You want one that's already opened?

Me: No, I want one that's never been opened.

FA: (pause) Oh, okay.

Now, I don't fault the flight attendant for not getting what I wanted, right away, and I give her credit for happily giving me what I asked for once she knew what that was.

But it did make me wonder what I would have said if she had asked me why I wanted an unopened can of pop. The long answer is something like this: I like to have the can because if they just pour you a cup, you hardly get any, especially if there's ice, AND the can is better than the cup on the plane because it's less likely to spill, AND I like the feel of the can in my hand, AND I enjoying popping the little tab at the top because I like the sound as well as the pleasant aroma.

But you can't explain all that on the plane, now can you?

So what I would have said is this. Why do I want it that way? Because I'm an eccentric.

I was quite pleased when I thought of that, because it seems like a good way of explaining the vast number of strange elements of my character. Why do I divide my clothes into Tier 1 and Tier 2? Why do I insist on desserts with no fruit involved? Why do I carry my own lectern to class (and it's not a podium by the way)?

I'm an eccentric.

Eccentric is not crazy, of course. An eccentric is just someone who likes something a certain way and isn't too intimidated to suppress or hide that desire. I suspect that most people are closet eccentrics, they've just been to ashamed to admit it.

Well, I say no more. Say it with me. I'm eccentric, I'm here, get used to it, don't fuck with me.

The End of Time

Lately I've noticed that very few people seem capable of estimating time in any kind of sensible way.

On the ferry going to NL, I asked at the information desk how long it takes to unload the cars once the boat had docked. He said it would take a while.

A while.

In other words his only response was that the process was not instant. Now, of course, there are factors and variations. I get that. But what would be wrong with saying, "well it can vary, but it usually ranges between half an hour and an hour" or something like that?

Today I asked someone at the university how long changes to an important document would take and he said, "a good while," apparently under the delusion that his response in any way answered my question. Somewhat peevishly, I said, "tell me in hours or days" and it took a while for him to understand what I talking about.

I can't help but wonder if this is part of a general movement away from numeracy in our culture. When I last got my hair cut, I asked for it cut down to three quarters of an inch. The woman didn't have that size on her trimmer so I said a half inch was OK but no shorter. Then she suggested three eighths, apparently thinking that three eighths was closer to three quarters because they both had threes in them.

Are we really to the point that ordinary people are incapable of estimating using numbers and understanding basic fractions? On the way back from NL, I asked someone else how long it would take to get off the ferry and he said, "it depends."

Ah. I never would have imagined it depended on anything.

By the way, the first time took five minutes, the second fifteen. But presumably it might have taken days, since it could be quite a while...depending.

Memo To:

Retail clerks: Check the signature on credit cards after the person signs the receipt. Didn't you wonder why credit cards have signatures on the back.

People with any kind of headphone-based music player: If other people can hear it, it's too loud. If you're at the front of the bus, and I can hear it at the back of the bus, seek treatment for your ears or heart or brain or all three.

Institutional custodians: From now on, please unlock both sides of double doors. How are people supposed to guess which one you've done if you only do ONE SIDE?

Hyperbolic People: 100% means everything. For a while it was cute to say you were going to give 110% but now it's just gotten stupid. Now people are claiming they're going to give 200% or 250% or 1000%. Enough already.

CBC employees: Don't picket the Governor General's installation or any other place that's not CBC-related. There's reasonable protest and then there's just being a jerk.

Smokers: At your earliest convenience, please explain what is is about nicotine that compels you to throw LIT cigarette butts onto the sidewalks and streets of the nation? We all have our stuff -- Lord knows I do -- but I throw my junk food bags in the garbage.

Medical people: Stop complaining about people going to the emergency room for non-emergency medical problems. Open your eyes: tons of people can't get timely medical attention any other way in this country. Also, stop referring to "universal health care" as though we had it. When people can't get appointments with competent physicians, when patients are kept on waiting list for years on end, when emergency services are routinely closed, it's not universal.

Changes

OK, gang, sorry for the confusion, but with luck, this blog will be up and running with all my silly ramblings soon.

The old site, pettigogy.blogspot.com will be for course announcements, information and so on.

Best as always,

t.

The Bob Show

This is an ongoing project. The aim is to come up with 22 stories for an imaginary sit com where every episode is a story that's been done to death on TV.

Here's the current list. New episode suggestions are always welcome. Thanks to all who made suggestions.

The Bob Show Episode Guide

1. Pilot: Bob goes to his high school reunion

2. "Just the Gay it is": Bob learns that an old friend of his is homosexual.

3. "My two Bobs": Bob accidentily makes a date with two girls for the same night, but at different restaurants and frantically tries to keep them both.

4. "Bob Strikes Back": Bob is upset when he learns his sister has read his diary.

5. "Return of Bob": Bob returns to his home to find his kids have thrown a wild party in his absence.

6. "What Bobs Up Must Bob Down": Bob gets stuck in an elevator with strangers, one of whom is a pregnant woman.

7. "Was she Man Enough?": Bob's date turns out to have had a sex-change operation.

8. "All in Bob's Family": Bob's long lost brother Steven returns, claiming to have mended his ways, but he hasn't changed a bit.

9. "Caught with his Pants Down. Again."" Bob's date with a beautiful woman goes awry when Bob is caught in an embarrassing misunderstanding.

10. "Revenge of the Bob": Normally peace-loving, Bob is aghast when he loses his temper and punches another man. When he goes to apologize, Bob loses it again and hits his enemy a second time.

11. "Bob Mate": Bob's ego takes a pounding when he loses repeatedly at chess.

posted by pettigogy | 9:10 PM

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Some TV shows I love

OK, Pettrichordates, I know it's been a while, but hey, I did write a book and it won a prize, so I hope you will forgive me.

But if you've waited patiently, here is some more useless information about me.

10 TV shows that I love

1. Dharma and Greg: I've been rewatching these on Fox and this may be the best sitcom in history. Very funny and genuinely human.

2. The West Wing. Best drama TV has seen since I've been watching. Sure, it's had its ups and downs, but how many shows really address serious social issues like the West Wing. How many other shows can you name that have debated the merits of an international court? Seriously.

3. M*A*S*H. Like much great art, MASH defies categorization. Call it a sitcom if you want, but at its best it dared to go where no sitcom had gone before and none has gone since.

4. WKRP. This show was designed to feature tired stereotypes because the network thought they would be funny: ditzy blond, stoner, black dude, nerd, shy girl, sleazy salesman and so on. But the cast and rewriters refused to allow them to be the cliches and the result was a unique TV comedy.

5. Sportsnight. Though only on for 2 seasons, Sportsnight was doomed by its very intelligence. Women didn't watch because it looked like it was about sports and men didn't watch because there wasn't enough sports. Do yourself a favour, get the DVDs and watch, watch, watch.

6. The Greatest American Hero. This was one of my favourites when I was a kid. It had the best theme song ever (Look at what's happened to meee-eee...) and the funniest premise too: a superhero who's lost the instruction book to his own powers.

7. The White Shadow. Another friend of my youth, and I have a feeling that if I watched it today, I might cringe, but what can I say, I love inspiring mentor stories. A washed up pro basketball player takes a coaching job at a high school as a favour to an old friend and becomes a friend and mentor to his players (he's white and he's always behind them, get it?)

8. House. This is new, so if you haven't been watching it, tune in this fall. One of the best main characters in a show since Archie Bunker. Greg House is a brilliant physician burdened by chronic pain, drug addiction, and, oh yeah, a hatred of people. The genius here, though, is that the producers cast British comedian Hugh Laurie who somehow makes House likeable.

9. Monk. Tony Shalhoub is a genius. So there.

10. The Daily Show. Jon Stewart is the hope of the USA. First of all, he does what Mencken said good journalists must do: comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable. He also does what great humourists must do: he holds the ridiculous up to ridicule.

I'm afraid no Canadian shows made the list. Sorry gang. Rick Mercer at his best might make it, but he does too many bits in too few episodes. Get some help, Rick! Also, I like Pop Cultured but only when Laurie Elliot is on it. And I don't know who the hell is watching Corner Gas.

A Weed by any Other Name

Saturday, June 11, 2005
A Weed by any Other Name

Now that spring has finally arrived on Quarry Point, I have begun the annual fight to keep my lawn mowed with enough frequency that my neighbours will not complain that I am dragging down their property values. The task is onerous because my property is sizable and because my mower is a small, worn-out electric model.

One thing I don't worry about, though, is weeds.

When I first moved in my mother advised me to take action against the weeds on my property. I can't remember what she suggested but I remember thinking that it sounded like work, so I can up with a strategy that has completely eliminated every single weed on my lawn, and I didn't have to lift a finger.

I simply redefined them.

You see, what counts as a weed depends on opinion and perspective. Grass on the lawn? Good. Grass in the vegetable garden? Weed. So a weed is really nothing more than a plant that you don't want in a given location. Thus it is that I welcome all plants on my property. If you can grow there, and you can tolerate occasional mowing, I say welcome to the neighbourhood.

So, everything is wanted and thus nothing is a weed. What my mom would call a weed, I simply call wildlife. Biodiversity.

And the best part is that my lawn is far more interesting as a result, featuring all kinds of interesting plants. My favourites are the wild strawberries that produce nifty white blossoms and act as natural birdfeeders. And while my neighbours complain that infestations have ruined their grass, my own lawn, more resilient since it is not an artificial monoculture, remains green. And what's better for property values than that?

The Change I am a-Timin'

OK, so I'm walking down the street and I see a dime on the ground (it was dark, so yay for my cat-like eyes). I pick it up. Why not?

But then I think, is it really worth the time and effort to bend over and pick up loose change?

So I did the math.

I estimate it takes roughly two seconds to pick up a coin from the ground. Which means that you could, in theory, pick up thirty coins a minute, or 1800 in an hour.

In other words, picking up dimes is like working for $180 per hour. Picking up change on the street turns out to be the highest-paying job I've ever had.

And that's just for dimes. Picking up quarters pays a whopping $450 an hour.

Even pennies pay a decent hourly wage of $18 -- much better than minimum wage.

A couple of months ago I found a twenty dollar bill. During the two seconds it took me to pick that up, I was earning a tidy $36 000 an hour.

Some Movies I Love

1. Inherit the Wind. My all-time favourite. Spencer Tracy is the best there ever was and I will fight with my fists if anyone says otherwise.

2. Rocky. If you haven't seen it, and you think you know how it ends, get it and watch it.

3. Twister. My nominee for best action movie ever made and possibly the only blockbuster Hollywood action flick with no guns. Also a landmark in motion picture special effects.

4. Deep Impact. This movie is often confused with the absurd knock-off Armageddon to which it is superior in every way. Includes my all time favourite line in a movie: "Well, at least we'll all have high schools named after us." And admit it, we all want Morgan Freeman to be President.

5. Broadcast News. Sometimes mentioned as the best movie never to win an Oscar.

6. Shakespeare in Love. I like this movie more every time I see it. The key is that it is the life of Shakespeare as Shakespeare himself might have written it, with no regard for historical detail if it gets in the way of the story.

7. Twelve Angry Men. Now this, my children, is acting.

8. The American President. A bit sentimental but Aaron Sorkin is the man. I also like Dave, which is similar in many ways but less sophisticated.

9. Mr. Holland's Opus. Also sentimental but required watching for anyone who wants to be a teacher.

10. Dead Poets Society. Suffers from the common problem that the English teacher never actually teaches English, but beautifully shot and a stunning last half hour. Also early performances from some of today's best actors including a young Robert Sean Leonard and a very young Ethan Hawke.

My stomach is getting fired.

According to diet experts, my stomach is full for twenty minutes before it tells my brain that it's full.

What the f*&# is up with that?

The stomach is clearly the lamest of the organs. It sits there all day, whining about food, and then when it finally gets some, it says, "Oh my, that was lovely. I think I'll do nothing for 20 freakin' minutes while this moron keeps eating."

I mean, come on. My stomach is, like, two feet from my brain and it has its own built-in network. If I put my hand on a hot element, does my brain say, "Oh, my, poor Mr. Hand is burning. I better tell Hand to move in half an hour"? No. When my brain has something to say, it says it. Instantly. And the heart, why it never stops at all. No thanks to Mr. Stomach, I might add.

Why does it take my stomach 20 minutes to speak up? Does my stomach have a whole lot of other organs it has to call first? Is my brain so touchy that my stomach has to pause to consider the right words?

No, my stomach is a lazy, greedy, selfish bastard. That's the truth. And it's going to pay, believe me.

Happy Birthday to you, whoever you are...

My wife's birthday is coming up and our home now has a layer of birthday cards in its interior. My wife will not open any of them until her actual birthday, but that's another day's blog entry.

The point I want to make is this: I am terribly impressed by those who send birthday cards regularly. These people seem to me to be wizards of consideration and efficiency. I myself have tried to keep track of such things. I had a Palm PDA for a while but it died and I can't afford to buy any more disposable computers. I made a list of birthdays of people I know, but I've lost it somewhere in my desk, and even before I did, I forgot to check it regularly.

As for my brain, it has room for approximately six birthdays. I'm not kidding. I know mine, my wife's, and both of my brothers. I have a general idea of my parents' and my sisters. Oh, and I know Shakespeare's as well as anyone does. One of my neices was born on Groundhog Day and one of my nephews was born on Victoria Day so I sort of remember those.

And that's pretty much it. It's entirely possible, of course, that all this makes me a bad person. But I prefer to think it's normal and that Jane, Stacey, my Dad, and everyone else who remembered Vanessa's birthday in time to send a card are saintly models of virtue.

If any more cards arrive tomorrow, I may have trouble keeping up the illusion.

A Defense of TV

Recently, the Word-a-Day email list was flooded with posts about the evils of television. Here's what I sent in return.

First, while most of what is on television is nonsense, so is most of what is printed in books, not to mention magazines and newspapers. Those who imagine that "reading" is vastly superior to television really mean that carefully selected reading is better than simply turning on the TV and watching whatever is on. Perhaps, but the comparison is unfair. Of course there are brillian books to be read, but that doesn't mean that reading is itself an intellectually challenging or dignified activity. Indeed, I am appalled by the lack of really good fiction available today. I read novel after novel and find myself constantly slogging through tortured, self-indulgent prose (I pray for a well-chosen verb), the same tired themes (thank God for the modern novelist lest we think abuse and injustice are good things), and the same narratives over and over again (marginalized group has a hell of a time but maintains its dignity).

Even an average TV writer, by comparison, one who actually has to entertain a large number of people (rather than impress professors and granting agencies), is a master of economy and narrative precision (consider the best episodes The West Wing, or, more recently, House). Moreover, television is one place where our society retains its sense of humour, something that has been lost in too much fiction and too much of modern life, for that matter. I am grateful for frequent doses of Jon Stewart who, in the greatest tradition of satirists and other humourists, cuts through pretension and folly on the acclaimed (by those who watch) Daily Show.

Still further, television enables us to see things that men and women in similar circumstances would never have been able to see for most of the history of humankind. I recently witnessed the announcement of a new Pope. Such historic events, events that in previous ages would have been witnessed by thousands, were available to millions, if not billions via television.

Of course we should not encourage mindless passivity, but TV has no monopoly on that. If we were out to stop kids from sitting for hours without real intelletual stimulation, we should start with the public school system.